So, after 25 years together, 11 of those married, I’m fairly sure my husband and I are prepared to handle anything. We’ve been through some pretty hard stuff together – the loss of a parent, a leap-of-faith move from Chicago on a one-job income, a close call with pneumonia… We know each other pretty well and can handle most things life throws at us.
Or so I thought, until the other night, when a sudden, gaping hole in our readiness presented itself. In this one crucial area, we lacked even the beginnings of a plan. Here’s how it went down:
Derrick: Oh my God. I just watched a ghost show where this guy said he woke up in the middle of the night and his girlfriend was spinning in circles like a top, and then she did a back bend so her head was touching her feet, and when she yelled, the voices of three men came out of her mouth!
Me: Whoa. That would be terrifying.
Derrick: Yeah. I think they broke up after that.
Derrick: He said he couldn’t stop her, because she was spinning so fast, but I think he’s lying. I can’t believe he didn’t try and grab her.
Me: Well, she probably had superhuman strength or something. What’s he supposed to do?
Derrick: WELL, HE SHOULD DO SOMETHING BETTER THAN GRABBING A BAG OF PRETZELS AND WAITING IT OUT! I’d at least hit YOU in the head with a board or something!
Me: You are so sweet! I can’t believe we haven’t planned for this. Let’s pinky swear now that we will hit each other in the head with a board if one of us gets possessed, since it’s not included in our vows.
Derrick: Done. Though I have to tell you I might get popcorn or something until it starts looking serious. Then, board.
I share this with you so you can prepare as well. If you already have a partner and don’t have a plan, get one, pronto. If you’re not attached yet, make sure you feel this topic out on your dates. Asking questions about demon possession early on in a relationship can really help weed out those who are too irresponsible to consider for a long-term partnership.
Joking aside, this whole episode did make me think about marriage, and vows, and how different actual marriage is from those hazy sunlit photos we all see on Pinterest. If the hubs and I were to renew our vows today, I suspect they would be more detailed, perhaps defining an acceptable decibel level for cereal-crunching, or laying out a height regulation for slipper socks worn with capri pants.
No, marriage is not as floaty and dreamy and adorable as the media makes it look, but if you are lucky enough to find someone equally as ridiculous as yourself, the real thing is way more fun. And – bonus – you get to wear pajamas a lot more than the photos would lead you to believe. As long as you agree on the important stuff, like how many dogs you’re willing to step over in the hallway, how much HGTV is too much, and what to do if one of you is suddenly possessed, you’ll be well on your way to a safe, happy, demonless life together.♡